Ask Babe: Le Smoking, C’est Sick

Hi Babe,

So I started smoking when I was 18. I loved it–the head rush and appetite suppressant. However, I had a mild cancer scare and have seldom touched cigarettes since. I need some sort of alternative.

Love your work.

R***

 

Dear Survivor,

A cancer scare is a really really really really really really really good reason to stop smoking, so good for you. As I’ve said before, smoking is a total life gamble. Some of us need the threat of a painful death in order to make healthy life choices (you), and some of us need one, well-placed forehead wrinkle that’s 0.003 millimeters in length and not noticeable to the naked human eye but very noticeable to the Babe eye (me). Anyways, I get your plight. Not smoking is the worst. But here are some things I do to ease the pain:

Smoke a cigarette (Sorry, but it’s true. Don’t do this though.)

Inhale deeply while thinking about smoking a cigarette, then exhale the thoughts of cigarettes out of my brain. Do this 3x an hour for 24 hours.

Work out

Have sex

Smoke weed instead. Is this okay for you to do? Unclear.

E-cigarette. I know it’s so douchey but sometimes I just need a fix.

Side note: I feel like everything I’m telling you to do causes cancer and it’s scaring me. 

Stare off into space for long periods of time.

Buy a really expensive shampoo and wash my hair. Then I sit and smell my hair for hours because it almost makes me not want to smoke.

Eat a stalk of celery. This has amazing health benefits. Plus celery is like, negative calories or something. Stalks of celery are the new cigarettes.

Drink sparkling water. I guess also don’t drink alcohol? Drinking always makes me want to smoke. Plus alcohol = empty calories. Remember that.

That’s all I got. Seriously, I thought I’d have way better advice than that, but when I stop smoking I generally stop functioning for at least 2 months, and then I feel great, and then I start smoking again. Good luck with avoiding cigarettes, and don’t die on me.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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