Ask Babe: Dream Boyfriend Obsessions

Dear Babe,

 

So, I had the biggest crush on this non-chic idiot who I eradicated from my life and now he’s basically dead to me (but unfortunately relevant to my current plight). In order to fully forget him I tried to direct my avalanche of emotions at a different, more worthy, subject. Herein lies the problem: I picked Rob Lowe (circa 1986) and now I literally can’t stop thinking about him. It’s the whole can’t eat, can’t sleep situation. And although the not eating thing is really working out for me, the rest isn’t. I compare every guy who asks me out to him. Obviously they all fall short, and the way this whole thing is going, I feel that I’ll either end up in a psych-ward or on Dr. Phil and I don’t even know which is worse.

Please help me Babe, I’m totally losing it.

E*****

 

Demi Moore,

Sometimes the best therapy for getting over an ex, is to become totally obsessed with a new guy, but it’s time for you to slap yourself back to reality. You and young Rob Lowe are never going to happen. It isn’t in the stars. I know it’s hard to hear. I just got over a huge Jeff Goldblum “thing” a couple weeks ago. Painful doesn’t even begin to describe that emotional journey. You need to cut yourself off. I’m giving you one more week of Rob, and then you’re done forever. This means no more Googling him and no more waking up in the mornings and pretending he’s lying next to you. Find someone new to masturbate to, or better yet, find someone real to have sex with. The bottom line is: you’re done. Unless you meet Rob and become his girlfriend in the next seven days, in which case, please email me and let’s go to lunch and discuss.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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