Cry Yourself Thin

For me, the arrival of Daylight Savings means it’s time to shed at least 5 lbs of winter weight. Not that I gained any weight this winter. I adhere to a strict “no winter weight gain” policy. I just like to call the extra lbs “winter” pounds so that psychos like you can understand where I’m coming from. Moving on. In order to cleanse myself of excess weight, I’ve been practicing what I like to call the Cry Diet. It’s very simple. Basically, you just make yourself cry at any point during a meal, and it will instantly eradicate your appetite. I’m not a scientist, so I can’t tell you why/how this works, but start the Cry Diet now and you’ll thank me when crop top season comes around. I’ve been doing this at breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past two weeks, and can now fit into a really chic Stella McCartney for Gap Kids blazer I bought a year ago. Bliss. Also people come up to me all the time now in restaurants and ask me “What’s wrong?” which I kind of love.

Crying also helps eliminate puffiness and cure cravings. Don’t trust me? Here’s what Tatyana Ali has to say:

“I cry three times a day as part of my workout routine. It really targets the core. Great way to reduce bloating.” – Tatyana Ali

I mean, she’s not the thinnest person ever, but for some weird reason I just trust her. So there you have it. Just make sure you’ve stocked up on cucumber slices, waterproof mascara (I recommend Diorshow), moisturizer, kleenex and a really good facialist because tears can really clog your pores if you aren’t careful.

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