Ask Babe: Not A Maid

Hi Babe,

Every time I go to my boyfriend’s apartment it’s a mess and he gets mad that I don’t touch anything for cleaning. I used to help him to clean the apartment, but after a day of cleaning, he makes the apartment extremely dirty.  I don’t even clean my OWN apartment, I hire a maid for that. I offered him that option and  he said “I don’t want someone I don’t know to clean my house.” I really do not have time for cleaning and cooking stuff due to my school and I also work for my mom’s business. I don’t know what to do.

M*****

 

Mary Poppins,

I’m getting the vibe that you’re a really chic foreign person who might be a little too submissive when it comes to laying down the law regarding what you will and will not do for a man. That’s okay. We’ve all been there. But you know what? Ew. Ew to this entire situation. I’ve put on a French maid outfit once in my life, and that was to do a calendar shoot for an ex-boyfriend. Pretending to clean can be sexy, but actually cleaning something is best left to a hired professional.

Here’s what you’re going to do: Next time you see your bf, you’re going to have crazy, 9 1/2 Weeks style sex all over his apartment. Fuck on every countertop, take a bath together, throw each other around. I even give you permission to reenact the food scene (just don’t swallow). Once you’ve finished and are both in a state of post-coital bliss, get the fuck out of there. You have a hair appointment, or a facial, or a Soul Cycle class that you have to get to. You feel horrible running out on him, but you’ve left him the number of your beloved (and trustworthy) cleaning lady, so all is not lost, and you’ll see him soon. If he gets the hint and hires Esmerelda, you can date him until someone better comes along. If he freaks out, you’ve already had great goodbye sex, so dump him ASAP.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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