On holiday I met a super-cute German guy who spent the entire break trying to win me over. Since coming home, I have been bombarded with presents and messages and we’re spending this weekend together. The trouble is, now I’m starting to like him and my inner Babette is emerging. He is clever, filthy rich and incredibly experienced.
How the hell do I keep him?
Dear Crazy In Love,
Congratulations? You met a rich European, went with your instincts, whored yourself out a tiny bit for a Tom Ford crocodile clutch, but now you’ve got a potential Mr. Right on your hands. Been there.
Now you think your inner psycho is about to come out, triggering a breakdown, fucking shit up, scaring this nihilist away forever. I get it. I’ve totally been there.
Exactly when our cunty alter egos emerge is a terrible mystery. Trust me, I’ve done extensive work with my therapist, shaman, a Buddhist monk and a really versatile yoga instructor, none of which has yielded any significant results.
My only advice is to get this guy out of your head and into your bed as soon as possible (and by bed I mean vagina, asshole, etc). If you’re not thinking about fucking things up, there’s less of a chance your inner demon will come out. That’s why your weekend schedule should be sex all day every day until one of you passes out or dies. If everything goes correctly you’ll become BFF with his penis and he’ll send you a Birkin as a thank you gift for a great weekend.