An Open Letter To Kim Kardashian’s Ankles

Dear Kardankles,

Congrats on making it through the pregnancy.

You’re probably really angry that the intense weight gain/media scrutiny/bad shoe choices, resulted in a super thin baby. You’re also probably wondering whether or not you’re ever going to look like something resembling human body parts again.

Well, as someone who knows the power of a desire to be thin, let me say there is still hope.

Here are Babe’s 6 steps for re-becoming your pre knocked up selves.

1. See an accupuncturist (poking holes in your balloon like skin will begin the deflation process, trust).

2. Invest in two elastic stretch bands (regaining mobility is necessary if you ever want to walk again).

3. Soak yourselves in a scalding salt water bath for ~ 30 minutes/day  (this will remove dead skin particles/ break down deposits).

4. Rotate the above therapeutic treatments with hour long sessions on an underwater elliptical (self explanatory). 

5. Hire Bill Clinton’s PR person (some flattering shots in People/US Weekly is a must).

6. Consult a doctor r/e an IUD for Kim (this can never happen again).

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