I think my new stepmother is trying to fatten me up (I’m thinner than her). I recently caught her lying about the ingredients in a salad dressing and she keeps butter in the house. What should I do?
Wait until your stepmom is out of the house for at least 10 hours. Then dump all the fatty food in your fridge/pantry, but hold on to the original packaging (milk cartons, salad dressing bottles, etc). Rinse them out. While they’re drying, go buy Gwyneth Paltrow’s newest cookbook, It’s All Good, and do a huge grocery shop at your local Whole Foods. Basically you’re going to replace all your stepmonster’s gross food with healthy, low-cal, gluten-free-ish options. You’ll use GP’s salad dressing recipes to replace all the existing salad dressings, and replace the milk carton with almond milk, and so on and so on. The whole point of keeping all the original containers is so that your stepmom won’t catch on to the fact that all her sick food has been replaced with healthy food. And now when she tries to make you eat it, you can do so knowing that you’re not in danger of gaining a single pound. Also, you might want to crush up some Aderall and put it in the almond milk. Just a thought. If all goes according to plan, she’ll start to lose weight as well. Then, someday when you’re smoking a joint together, celebrating the fact that you’re both sample sized, you can tell her about your grand switcheroo and she’ll have no choice to respect you forever.
Or just legally emancipate yourself so you can move into your own house and have a butter-free life.