Ask Babe: Football Season?

Babe,

How did you celebrate the start of football season this weekend?

Love,

A*****

 

Dear Fat Lesbian,

I would never “celebrate” an activity that centers around chili and long term brain injuries. So instead of answering your uninformed question I’m going to take this opportunity to meditate on the under appreciated sporting events that will be nationally televised when Babe Walker becomes President in 2032.

 

Underwater Ellipticalling

Ellipticalling is one of the most graceful motions the human body can make. Doing it underwater means no sweat + increased calorie burning, which = chic.

Model Stomping

It’s physically grueling but totally mesmerizing. It’s ballet without the horrible years of training. I could watch these athletes for hours.

Marathon Saunaing

For professionals this is a multi-day, multi-stage, and multi-location event. Hopefully it will replace that stupid French bike race.

Competitive Fasting

 Self explanatory.

Synchronized Partner Yoga 

Peaceful, meditative, sisterly, and spiritually nourishing. This is the ultimate team sport.

Please never contact me again.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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