Ask Babe: Breakup Outfits

Babe,

Can you share any breakup ensembles? I need to dump my boyfriend, but want to look chic doing it.

K****

 

Eva Mendes,

Even though we all know you’ve already been broken up with, I’ll humor you. The key to looking chic when you breakup with your bf is a two-step sartorial process.

Step 1: The Actual Breakup 

Go grunge, like you don’t give a rat’s ass about what you look like because you’re so miserable/over the relationship you could maybe die. While you may think this means rolling out of bed in sweats, it most certainly does not. A breakup is a major event and you can’t jump into it without having all your ducks in a row. As far as diet/exercise are concerned, I recommend you prepare for the breakup like Catherine McNeil prepares for fashion week:

“Before the shows, I juice and go to Soul Cycle nine times a week, if not more.” – Catherine McNeil

Chic. Your boyfriend needs to get the sense that being around him is destroying you, so this exercise plan will ensure maximum frailty. Your hair will need to be limp but textured. Start deep conditioning a month in advance, trust. I recommend using this mask by Frederic Fekkai twice a week. Two days before your breakup, wash your hair, do the deep conditioning treatment, sleep on it, and then use some dry shampoo to achieve your desired tousle. I love Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray, but that’s just me. It’s your hair, your journey, your loser boyfriend. For makeup, you need to be stripped down and bare, with lash extensions. You’ll probably cry them off, but that will add to the drama.

As far as clothing goes, I’m seeing you in ripped jeans by Rag & Bone and one of your boyfriend’s old t-shirts. Sleep in the shirt the night before, because during the breakup you’re going to take it off and leave it with him, wherever you may be. For footwear you’ll be barefoot. Nothing says “I’m extremely distraught” like being barefoot and topless. You can wear some minimal jewelry if you want, but try to keep your look simple and model-y with a side of Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted.

Step 2: The Post-Breakup

Your post-breakup look is all about living luxuriously and feeling free. After I break up with someone, I celebrate by getting a full body exfoliating treatment and buying myself a gift. Sloughing off dead skin and nurturing the soul with a Jérôme Dreyfuss calf hair backpack is incredibly therapeutic, not to mention symbolic.

Thanks to all the juicing and Soul classes your skin will be radiant and your body will be insane. And your hair will be in a really good place thanks to all the deep conditioning, so you’re basically going to look as gorgeous as humanly possible, which is great because you are going to run into your ex sometime during the week after the breakup. Either you’ll need to meet in order to exchange things you left at each other’s houses/penthouses/Aspen houses or you’ll both be out and run into each other, or you will orchestrate a “completely random” run-in because you know his schedule. Seeing how beautiful and confident you are without him will destroy him. He’ll be wistfully sniffing the t-shirt you were wearing when you broke up with him for weeks. Maybe months. He might even try to kill himself.

Happy almost Valentine’s Day.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Emma

    Genius