Ask Babe: Friends With (Annoying) Kids

Babe,

All my girlfriends have kids now, and never have time to chill out anymore. Ugh I’m getting sick of them.

C***

 

Jennifer Aniston,

I feel your pain. Kids are psycho, and having kids is even more psycho. Who the fuck would want to voluntarily gain 30-60 pounds and stretch their vagina out only to give birth to something that could potentially be the next Lindsay Lohan? Not me. The way I see it, your choices are as follows:

1. Get a whole new group of gay friends. Even if they have/are having kids, those kids will be chicer than the kids your straight friends are having. You might actually want to hang out with them.

2. Adopt a baby (from a foreign country, obviously) so you can fit in.

3. Become best friends with all your friends’ kids. Think about it. They’re younger, they’re skinnier, and they have their finger on the pulse, etc. They might be cooler than your actual friends.

4. Move to a new city. Assume a new identity. Make new friends.

5. Get an IUD. Date a mega-hot 18 year old, fuck him 24/7, and be obsessed with him to the point that you talk about him so often that all your friends get jealous.

6. Date a rich 40 year old, fuck him 24/7, and accidentally get pregnant.

7. Buy your friends’ kids outrageous baby clothes and Instagram their outfits.

8. Hope that one of their kids is cute enough to become a model. Nurture their career, emancipate them from their parents at an early age, become their mentor. Turn them into the next Gisele.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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