Sometimes you’re a baby giraffe living on the African savanna with your giraffe family and spending your days eating acacia leaves and LOL-ing at all the lions who are trying to eat you. Sometimes you’re a baby giraffe who grows up on the Walker Family Ranch in Montecito and becomes a model when Harper’s Bazaar asks him to do a photo shoot with Demi Moore which later scars him for life (Hi Pinky! Miss you, xo). And sometimes you’re a baby giraffe named Marius who lives at the Copenhagen Zoo.
Who gets killed by a bolt gun to the brain, chopped up and fed to the lions.
Dark. In honor of Marius’s journey, I urge you psychos to wear one piece of giraffe-themed clothing this week. And before you all berate me for being completely un-chic, just know that there are actually some worthwhile sartorial options available to you. Like these 10 Crosby Derek Lam flat sandals. Or if you’re more of a heel person, these 10 Crosby Derek Lam gladiators will work. And if you have really ugly feet, then these giraffe print calf hair pumps by Mulberry will ensure that nobody will see them. Or rather, they’ll see your feet and think nice thoughts as opposed to seeing them, screaming, and running in the opposite direction.
If you’re not a shoe person, then A) What the fuck are you doing here? and B) Excuse me. That’s my pain talking. Perhaps you’re more interested in expressing your grief via swimwear. A Michael Kors bathing suit or a giraffe print bikini could do the trick. Or you might want to don a more subtle homage to sweet Marius via these skinny jeans by Mother. And if you’re more into a Eurotrash vibe, you’ll love this DSquared shirt. So heinous but def your thing. Or maybe you’re so anti-giraffe clothing that you just want to buy a miniature giraffe from Barneys. Or a bangle from One Kings Lane. The important thing is not what you wear, it’s how you encourage the memory of Marius to live on in the hearts of others. And if you do that by wearing a giraffe fur coat, then more power to you. And tell me where the hell you got it because I’ve been looking for a good vintage one for ages.