Babe Walker’s Earthquake Survival Guide

There was a 4.7 magnitude earthquake in LA this morning. Since my body is extra sensitive to shaking, I shot out of bed, grabbed my iPad and whatever pets I could find along the way (my pug Lillith, Persian cat Reza, and Brussels Griffon Stanley) and ran outside as fast as I could. It wasn’t until the tremors had subsided that I realized I was completely naked except for an SK-II facial treatment mask and that Mabinty was staring out the front window pointing and laughing at me. When a few minutes had passed and there were no aftershocks I released the pets from my clutches and stalked back inside, ignoring Mabs’ howls of laughter. Once I was back in my room, I wrote an email to our architect and scheduled a meeting to discuss erecting an earthquake shelter in my dad’s backyard. Sometimes it takes a serious wake up call from Mother Nature to realize you need to get your shit together, not just for your own sake, but for the sake of all the animals you own. So here are some Do’s and Dont’s for surviving an earthquake. 

Do: Lay out an outfit each night that can be slipped on easily in case of emergency. Mine is an Agent Provocateur robe, and Givenchy floral skate shoes. Also, pack a duffel with the following items: water, handful of raw almonds, an emergency radio, an iPad, and the latest copy of Vogue Paris.

Do: Have your shaman on speed-dial for post-trauma counseling.

Do: Build an earthquake/bomb/radiation shelter on your property asap and stock it with the following things: 40 cases of Pellegrino, Xanax, duplicates of all your favorite handbags, a memory foam California king-sized bed, Frette sheets, an enormous TV,  all the latest Apple products, a surround-sound Sonos speaker system, an elliptical machine, a Pilates reformer, pet beds/kennels, candles, a piece of art that inspires you, and a survival-chic wardrobe.

Don’t: Forget that cargo pants are inappropriate, no matter what the emergency may be.

Do: Learn morse code.

Do: Shave your head. It’s post-apocalyptic chic.

Do: Accept it might just be your destiny to die from an earthquake, or a flood, or a plane crash or a shark attack.

Do: Invest in a hazmat suit for yourself, and mini hazmat suits for all your pets.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • GET IT TOGETHER

    IT’S AGENT PROVOCATEUR YOU FAT WHORE

  • Elizabeth Anne Albrecht

    Also, Frette sheets suck! It’s ALL about Pratesi!!!