Babe Walker’s Guide To St. Patrick’s Day

An unfortunate fiesta of corned beef and beer is almost upon us. Normally my skin would be breaking out at the mere thought of all the people in the United States who are going to consume literally thousands of calories of red meat/wheat, but I’ve been generously applying a charcoal clay mask every other night, and following it up with a nourishing honey mask every other morning, and have pretty much been on a detoxifying cleanse since I received a St. Paddy’s Day party invitation from Jerry O’Connell at the start of the month, so suffice to say, I’m glowing. Here are the Do’s and Don’ts to surviving the weekend:

Do: Drink so much water you might drown, but not enough water that you do actually drown. Drowning makes you bloated. Not chic.

Do: Be like Daria Werbowy: Become a world-famous supermodel, drop out of the limelight at the height of your career, kick your drinking habit, find a hot Irish boyfriend, relocate to Ireland and only come out of retirement to pose for Céline campaigns.

Do: Visit Ireland.

Don’t: Drink Guinness.

Do: Light a candle and send good vibes to Daphne Guinness.

Do: Take a page out of the Daphne Guinness handbook and dye a white streak into your hair, because why not? A solitary white streak is the new purple. Trust.

Do: If you must honor the color tradition, this Marni cashmere waffle-knit sweater is about as unoffensive as it gets.

Don’t: Wear some green t-shirt with white lettering on it for Christ’s fucking sake.

Do: Mix the following ingredients for a delish/celebratory green juice: THC oil, spinach, green apples, celery, chlorophyll, algae, parsley

Don’t: Green beer. Nunca!

Do: Buy this 3.1 Phillip Lim mini trapeze bag and let it do the St. Patrick’s Day celebrating for you.

Don’t: Furry hats, oversized glasses, shamrocks, etc. If you have to ask if something’s chic, chances are it’s not.

Do: If you do end up drinking and need to shield your beer-y eyes from the world, do so in these Stella McCartney sunglasses. You’ll look over it but not too over it, if you know what I mean.

Do: Stay in bed all weekend.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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