David The Intern (Part One: Introduction)

My name is David (no, I’m not telling you my last name) and I’ve been Babe Walker’s intern since graduating from college last year. Well, technically I’m her “assistant” but she insists on referring to me as her “intern” because she feels assistant is a hateful word. 

Long story short: Babe’s therapist, Susan, decided that our employer/employee relationship would work better if I had the chance to air my grievances in a public space. And after threatening to fire me, fire Susan, and fire her Dad, Babe eventually consented.

When I first met Babe I was working as a receptionist at a spa in Los Angeles. Well, I didn’t meet her at the spa itself. Actually, Babe kind of hates public spas. Something about not wanting to be touched by strangers who have recently touched other strangers, but you all know that. Anyway, I was looking for a job, loved Babe’s book, and we had a mutual friend. During my “interview” Babe told me I “smelled like Kale,” said that I looked like a “sad Jonah Hill,” and then asked me to describe her breasts in 5 words or less. I still don’t think she ever technically “hired” me. 

Although Babe and I mostly get along, the bottom line is that after spending 12 hours a day, 365 days a year with anyone you inevitably start to piss each other off.  

Like when I accidentally thought Babe’s Tom Ford sunglasses were Ray Bans and she asked me to work from home indefinitely, then changed the code to her gate. But we worked through that. Or the time I ate a Chipotle burrito in front of Babe and she sobbed for 3 straight hours, then exclusively referred to me as “burrito boy” for the next 2 months.  And then last week everything came to a head when I apparently mispronounced the word “Givenchy,” causing Babe to whisper that she was “deeply disappointed” and then inform me via Google Calendars that she was signing us up for “couples” therapy.  

So starting next Saturday, I’ll be contributing a weekly post on my life with Babe, venting to you about my journey as an underpaid, under-appreciated, twenty four year old, “intern.”

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