Boyfriends usually end up disappointing you. Everything is perfect, and then somewhere down the road they fart or you change or your cat dies or their mother hates you and the next thing you know you’re screaming at each other across the pool at Chateau, then calling room service, ordering ten vegan pizzas and crying all over the Hermes sheets.
So even though Carson and I have been officially over for years, I guess I’ll always be able to look back at our relationship and remember when my boyfriend wasn’t a complete tool.
My boyfriend actually used to be really hot.
He knew everyone worth knowing.
Like Beyonce before she was Beyonce.
He even knew people he didn’t want to know.
Once he took me to Mexico on Spring Break.
Ludacris was there too.
But then he started to let himself go…
And he got a really fucking stupid job.
Then he got an even stupider one.
And now we’re officially done.