An Open Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow

My Queen, 

Since the Conscious Uncoupling,  I’ve been making my therapist Susan do house calls every day. Usually this means we sit around the guest house and discuss who you’ll date next. I thought she was on board with my emotions but she ended our last session with the following words.

“Please release your feelings about Gwyneth into the universe so we can move forward and tackle your abandonment issues, daddy issues, rape fantasies and food problems.”

Rude. Anyhow, here’s a final list of people I came up with. Take it or leave it, but I think you should definitely take it:

Jared Leto – He’s vegan, has powerful hair, is a “musician” (unclear) and you both have Oscars.

Benedict Cumberbatch – British, you’ll be the hotter one in the relationship for sure.

Ryan Gosling – I trust you enough to let you have him.

Spike Jonze – Susan came up with this one.

Luke Wilson – You could de-puff him and make him hot again.

Ben Affleck – You could Brangelina him away from Jen and the kids. Chic.

Brad Pitt – You could Brangelina Brangelina. CHIC!

A private, Spanish-speaking billionaire – Self-explanatory.

Michael Fassbender – Huge dick.

Love you, call me.

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