David The Intern (Part Five: Hide and Seek)

Babe came over to my apartment last weekend, for the first and last time ever.

Just to catch you up, part of my job as Babe Walker’s “assistant”/”intern”/”fat chamber boy” is to be at the beckoned call of a proud “Psycho Queen” 24 hours a day. Although I’m technically granted 2 weeks of vacation time each year, Babe always finds a way to track me down when an “emergency” arises. Last year I was on vacation in Rome when Babe dialed my hotel room in the middle of the night asking that I please contact the Vatican about “arranging a private audience for her with that new, chic, gay Pope.” Then this Winter I was with my parents in Bermuda when 25 Tiramisus were anonymously delivered to my hotel room with a note that read, “Dear Fat Ass: Wishing you and your thighs a very Merry Christmas.”

So I can’t say I was surprised when my phone died Saturday night and I woke up on Sunday morning to Babe banging on the front door of my apartment, screaming at me to get up and help her finish a few last minute details for her book launch party.  That being said, I was surprised with her reaction when I finally opened the door.

Apparently Babe had never actually been inside my apartment before because after walking into the living room her eyes widened and she started hyperventilating. When I asked if everything was all right she simply shook her head, pointed to an empty ketchup bottle sitting open on my kitchen counter, let out a blood-curdling scream, and stumbled backwards out the door, into the hall, and down the stairs. When I texted her to see if she was okay, she responded with a single skull Emoji. 

When I came in Monday morning Babe asked me to wash my hands five times in front of her, make a kale and collard smoothie, leave it in her office and then “quietly” go about with my typical daily tasks. Although she never mentioned the incident directly I think we both learned a valuable lesson that day about the importance of keeping a healthy distance between employer and employee.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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