How do you de-bloat?
Dear Honey Boo Boos of The World,
You should start by asking yourself why you’re bloated in the first place. Generally, being bloated means that you’ve allowed your body to fill up with gross toxins, salty things, and unhealthy fats that probably came from overdosing on bacon, buttery pastries, dairy, or anything called “Cool Ranch.”
Now, the first thing you want to do is throw away the contents of your pantry/refrigerator and move onto a life that is more about green juices and kale salads and kale juices and green salads and salmon sashimi, and less about processed corn products and refined sugars. Make sure that you’re drinking lots of liquids (but not too much for your overall mass), especially organic teas, alkalized water, and pressed juices involving fibrous greens, fresh lemon juice, ginger root, and cayenne pepper. Exercising regularly in rooms/meditation pavilions exceeding 100 degrees is also a must.
For those more serious cases, a colonic is always a good option, and if you’re into anal sex/ass play you might even enjoy it. Just make sure that you precede the treatment with a thorough wax/bleaching. It’s always important to make a good first impression regardless of the situation.
The most immediate cure of course, is just to stay home for a week. You’re not bloated if no one sees you being bloated.