Ask Babe: Um. Hi? Me? You?

Dear Babe,

You’re a dumb fucking cunt. Read a book. I thought you’d be skinny n’ pretty but you’re ugly n’ fat w tiny beady eyes n’ a pig nose. Get some work done if you’re so rich. Fat cunt.

-J***

Dear Fucking People Everywhere,

As you all know, and as I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus for the past few weeks because a very important person came back into my life and I had no choice but to devote all of my time, compassion, and love to them.

This person’s name is Babe Walker.

Over the past few years, life has been hectic. Chic and very dramatic, but hectic. I mean, I wrote two fucking books about it and I’ll probably be writing more. Just saying. So I needed to reintroduce myself to myself, let me take me out, and give Babe a moment with Babe. You understand. But in this general intermission of creativity, I’ve been getting hate mail like the above, and I’ve been getting it in large amounts. I think people are confused by my absence and they’ve been taking it out on me in an angry tone. I understand.

So, why don’t I just let you in on a few of the things I’ve been up to this summer and the two of us can start to rebuild this fucking bridge, or whatever. I’ve been really busy:

+Not eating yellow foods.

+Learning to drive stick-shift.

+Learning to drive stick-shift drunk/high/drunk and high.

+Hiking with my shaman, Steve, in Montana with his mom whose golden retriever is dying of cancer. The sheer non-glamour of all of that literally changed the way I see the world. Highly recommend

+Not eating purple foods.

+Watching Leo play with water guns.

+Crying about Leo’s weight while looking at pictures of him playing with water guns on Instagram.

+Taking Japanese cooking classes. In Spain.

+Trying to unlearn how to read. My therapist says that this can be helpful for bulimics (which I guess I am again?).

+Shopping, obviously.

 

Okayyyyyyy, psychos? And how are you??

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Matthew

    I am well Babe, thanks for asking.
    Also, how is it possible for you to be bulimic? Do you just go to the bathroom and dry-heave after not eating? Like, 3 almonds isn’t a binge that’s capable of being purged. Just wondering.
    Love you and glad you’re not dead.

  • LadyAnt

    Missed you…) keep on smiling sunshine! xoxoxo

  • Annoyed

    Who’s IS NOT THE SAME as whose get your fucking shit together or end up in Barbara: An OWN Network Exclusive

  • Dre

    Maybe you’re getting so much hate mail because you’re the kind of person who obviously thinks it’s cool to brag about driving drunk.

  • Reese

    “Dre” – get over yourself. missed you babe.

  • http://www.littlewildheart.com Alexandra Puffer

    Love non-glamour vacas. Here’s to stepping back!

    Warm Regards,
    Alexandra
    http://www.littlewildheart.com