PSYCHOS: NEW CHAPTER LEAK!

Now that we are officially in the month that my new book is being published, I decided to let all of you fucking psychos have another taste of this thing. So here you go:

CHAPTER 2:

TRYING TO DO MORE REGULAR-PEOPLE STUFF. 

Genevieve 7:16AM What is your problem?

This was the text from Gen that I awoke to in the morning. I knew I’d have to deal with her being mad at me after I stormed out of the party, but I didn’t like the idea of her being mad at me while I was supposed to be mad at her.

Babe 9:10AM What is your problem?

Genevieve 9:10AM What do you mean?

Genevieve 9:11AM I asked you.

Genevieve 9:15AM What is your fucking problem?

Babe 9:16AM Before answering that, I’d really like to know what your fucking problem is.

Genevieve 9:18AM My problem is that I’m not clear on what your huge problem is right now.

Babe 9:19AM I’m busy. brb

Under the impression that Gen and I could now move on from her mistake, I tried to go back to sleep. Then my phone buzzed in my hand.

Genevieve 9:25AM I fucked your dad.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THE CHAPTER

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Babe, Book, I Am Culture, Literature | Leave a comment

I literally hate art. #whitegirlproblems

An Open Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow

My Queen, 

Since the Conscious Uncoupling,  I’ve been making my therapist Susan do house calls every day. Usually this means we sit around the guest house and discuss who you’ll date next. I thought she was on board with my emotions but she ended our last session with the following words.

“Please release your feelings about Gwyneth into the universe so we can move forward and tackle your abandonment issues, daddy issues, rape fantasies and food problems.”

Rude. Anyhow, here’s a final list of people I came up with. Take it or leave it, but I think you should definitely take it:

Jared Leto – He’s vegan, has powerful hair, is a “musician” (unclear) and you both have Oscars.

Benedict Cumberbatch – British, you’ll be the hotter one in the relationship for sure.

Ryan Gosling – I trust you enough to let you have him.

Spike Jonze – Susan came up with this one.

Luke Wilson - You could de-puff him and make him hot again.

Ben Affleck – You could Brangelina him away from Jen and the kids. Chic.

Brad Pitt – You could Brangelina Brangelina. CHIC!

A private, Spanish-speaking billionaire - Self-explanatory.

Michael Fassbender - Huge dick.

Love you, call me.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Actresses, Celebs, Dating, I Am Culture, I Am Love | 1 Comment

I hate tweeting. #whitegirlproblems