Ok, I found the perfect ‘just told your boyfriend that it’s not going to work and it never was going to work because, honestly, the two of you were never on the same level, mentally, and it’s not his fault, it’s more about the cosmos than anything else, but if you’re really honest, it’s not about the cosmos at all, it’s about the way that every time he kisses you, you think about kissing Leonardo Dicaprio instead because you know that when you finally have the chance to kiss Leo, it will be soft and safe and basically just different and the stars will burn so bright that the night sky will look like daytime and your head might explode because you’ve been waiting for this moment for your entire life, but you can’t tell your boyfriend all of this so you just tell him that you have cramps and you’re going to have cramps for the rest of time, so he should just find another girlfriend and then you get in your car and leave and drive and play this song’ song.
Hope it makes you cry! Happy Wednesday.
I’m going to Punta Cana soon for vacation and I just have no idea what to pack. I want to stay chic and less sweaty in the hot weather.
Dear Selena Gomez,
If you’re going somewhere warm there are a few important things you have to do. Unless you live in a tropical climate you’ve probably been holed up inside for months on end, which means that this event really is your pre-summer coming out party. Don’t underestimate the magnitude of that, trust. If you haven’t been maintaining a presentable body and skin quality throughout the winter, I would suggest investing in a super intensive esthetician/trainer situation pronto.
In terms of clothing you’re going to want to pack the essentials first, starting with a few different super chic, flattering bathing suit options. This Jean Paul Gaultier bikini is fun, bright, and just screams Mexico (but in a sexy beach-y way, not a scary drug cartel-y way). Alternatively, if can’t lose your winter weight fast enough to feel comfortable in something skimpy, one pieces are also a good option. Like this blue one from Missoni, which is classic, elegant and chic. Always remember that just because you choose to go the one piece route doesn’t mean you should immediately resign yourself to looking like your ninety year old grandmother.
Now, if you want to cover up but remain sweat-less try wearing a silk caftan. Trust me, if you’ve never owned a caftan before you have to buy one. You can wear them to the beach, but can also dress them up for meals. They also make you look super wise/spiritual which can be great for last minute dinners with foreign dignitaries should that situation arise. I’m really into this flowy yet elegant Zebra Paisley one by Etro. Also this shorter one by Camilla is zen/magical/everything.
So take my sage advice and hopefully you won’t look too hein on your beach vacay (jk, kinda). Also, don’t forget to throw in a pair of these snakeskin thong sandals. (going barefoot is fun until you accidentally step in a mound of horse shit).