Ask Babe: What The Actual Fuck?

 

Dear Babe-

Seriously, did you OD or get fat or something? YOU NEED TO COME BACK!!!!!
I need your guidance and endless expertise in my life.
Don’t let your fellow Psychos down!

Love,
H********

 

Dear Psycho:

I guess the first thing I should do is apologize properly for literally dying on all of you, my beautiful, loyal psychos. 

After my last book came out, I was exhausted. I took the summer to nurse myself back to health. A daily dose of Jalapeño/Lime juice (administered through an IV). It stings but trust me it was worth it. My skin and hair looked better than ever.  And then it’s just that I’ve been soooo fucking busy over the last few months with pilates and my Tracy sessions and this green tea harvesting course I’m taking and trips to and from NYC because Robert is living there (yes, we’re still together which is insane I know but it’s true I swear) and whatever, I haven’t been writing or listening to music or shoulder-dancing in dark corners of smoky Paris bars or any of the things that really make me ME. I plan on being extremely Babe in 2015 though, trust. 

I did write a little poem for you sluts. It’s kind of my way of saying I’m sorry/It’ll never happen again/Fuck you all for judging me:

Poems Shmoems

I

was gone.

You

were here.

I

am not

A

hunted deer/dear.

Death

brings life.

Life

is death.

My

loves I’ve

Missed

your listening

Ears.

Happy New Year Psychos. Here’s to a Mayj 2015!

 

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Ask Babe, Babe, Beat Babe, Holidays, I Am Culture | 1 Comment


Babe Walker’s Guide To Halloween

Is Halloween cute? Is it chic? I honestly don’t know. Every year my opinion on the whole mess of it changes. Like, once at a Halloween party in NYC, stylist and friend, Brad Goreski, came dressed as Anna Dello Russo and that was chic. And he went all the way in, so much so that I barely recognized him. So, fine. Sometimes it’s chic. But once I went to a house party here in Beverly Hills dressed as Geena Davis in A Long Kiss Goodnight (chic) and there was nothing to drink besides some sort of buttery, rum punch (not chic!!!!). Either way, beware of ghouls, ghosts, murderers etc, but also beware of invitations to parties that might be filled with basics.

Do: Hot yoga twice daily for the four days leading up to Halloween.

Don’t: Buy/wear anything that has the word “costume” on the tag or label.

Don’t: Candy Corn.

Do: Dye your hair for a night.

Don’t: If somebody close to you asks to borrow ANYTHING from your precious vintage Pucci collection because they’re being someone from fucking Boogie Nights or some shit, the answer is always and forever: NO.

Do: If someone holds a gun to your head and forces you to dress as a witch or a member of The Craft, incorporate Prada.

Do: Tell people you don’t like that they look the best you’ve ever seen them look and you’re shocked.

Don’t: Haunted houses.

Do: An Ursula moment.

Don’t: LSD, mushrooms, peyote, psilocybin, PCP.

Do: Invite three friends that you’re not in a fight with over to drink tequila and watch Jamie Lee Curtis movies with. Even the not scary ones are on theme for the holiday.

 

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Food, Friends, Holidays, I Am Culture, I Am Fashion, I Am Health, Spirituality | 1 Comment

Are you gonna apologize for that Micheal Kors watch or do I have to be passive aggressive towards you all day? #whitegirlproblems