Ask Babe: Getting “The Job” Done

Babe,

I am in desperate need of guidance. Last night I gave my boyfriend a handjob (first time I had ever given one and first time he has received one) under a blanket while watching a movie in my friend’s theater. I literally did this for 45 minutes, for the last five he was like clawing at my boob and then he suddenly asked me to stop and pulled his pants back up? He hasn’t contacted me since, which happened around 11 pm last night. I am writing this as of 11:48 am.

Thoughts?

E*****

 

Evan Rachel Wood (in ‘Thirteen‘),

When I first read your email, I guffawed at the fact that you did anything involving a peen for forty-five uninterrupted minutes. I mean I get that you’re new to the game and I get that it can be exciting, but in le future, remember to give yourself a rest sometimes. You should enjoy yourself as well. In fact in my opinion, you should be loving it/yourself more than he is. Otherwise you will get over him in like ten mins. Maybe that’s just me?

So let’s (un)cut to the chase. I’m going to give you one piece of advice that will sound terrifying and impossible to actually do, it’s not.

Before the next time you do this (and this rec encompasses going down on a guy with your mouth as well), simply ask him how he likes it. I know, I know. Talking about dicks and tits and puss with your signif other seems like a totally embarrassing circumstance, but if I’ve learned one thing from being a Junior Slut for most of my adolescent years in the back of home movie theaters, it’s this: you can only know what you’re doing if you know what they want. Some guys like hard, some soft, some slow, some fast, some like you to smile, some like you to scowl, some like it when the balls join the party, some don’t have balls worth your time or energy…etc.

The idea that we should just know what to do is insane. Everyone’s body is toooootally different. So, don’t be afraid to ask questions. And if he acts like a pussy and laughs at your inquiry, then tell him “you’re a big pussy” and that he should stop being such a huge one immediately because it’s not cool. At all.

Good luck, princess.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Ask Babe, I Am Love, Relationships, Sex | 1 Comment

If you want to see me freak out, tell me to calm down. #whitegirlproblems

I Literally Want To Fuck Everyone In This Trailer.

Emma, Emma, Emma…   I feel like this is the movie that is gonna make you so fucking famous that you won’t return my calls. Of course it’s James fucking Franco who will be responsible for this. He comes between me and every real friend I’ve ever had. Why does everyone always leave me?

I literally want to fuck everyone in this trailer. BYE.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Babe On FIlm, Boyfriends, Celebs, I Am Film | Leave a comment

It sucks being me. But it really sucks being you. #whitegirlproblems