Ask Babe: Escort?

Babe,

I’m thinking of becoming an escort.

Thoughts?

T****

 

Dear Kim Kardashian,

I don’t know who you are, I don’t know what you look like, I don’t know what your hair looks like, and I don’t know whether, as a general rule, you think it’s acceptable to eat more than two pieces of salmon sashimi on the first or any date (hint: it isn’t). What I do know is that our lives/careers/love lives usually end up taking unexpected turns, and asking me to predict those turns is literally ¬†impossible so thanks for setting me up for failure. I mean, did I ever think I was going to become a published author? Or fuck an unnamed member of the Lakers? Or discover that my mom was a really chic lesbian supermodel? Or become a published author again? Not really.

So even though I’m pretty sure this is a bad (and potentially catastrophic) career move there’s really no way for me to tell you that you shouldn’t do it. Who knows, you might meet a super successful, super handsome Greek heir who sweeps you off your feet, marries you on a beach in Mykonos, and moves you into a devastatingly chic penthouse overlooking the Med. On the other hand, you could also just end up spending your time entertaining a bunch of sweaty, awkward, pale pharmacists who look like Jonah Hill, spit when they talk, fantasize about wearing your skin as a suit, and, even though you continually refuse, keep trying to pay you in Mexican pesos.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Ask Babe, Jobs | 5 Comments

Sorry I forgot to text you for a year. #whitegirlproblems

Beat Babe: Robyn, Take Me Away

You are my boyfriend

My girlfriend

My girl.

My stars forever.

My fave Swede, my sweetest pop bitch boyfriend babe.

In the end, tell them to play Dancing On My Own.

at

my

funeral

The winter was too hard for me, too hard for my friends, we are sad and we let the broken leaves off of our shaken trunks because you turn us on again

with this.

It is spring again. You say so. Indestructible.

Bless Bless Bless

You never were

and

you never will be

mine.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Beat Babe, I Am Music | 6 Comments

I can see your vagina. #whitegirlproblems