Tui Mitcham, the crux character of my fave rape-crime-poor people-drama, Top Of The Lake, is a twelve year old girl who lives in New Zealand, so she can’t exactly be my real boyfriend. But, there’s something super boyfriendy about her. If you’ve never seen the show, then jesus what the fuck have you been doing with your life? Please quit your job, or tell your mom that you have to cancel lunch today because Top Of The Lake is major major major. Oh, did I mention that Season 1 the darkest seven hours of television I’ve ever seen and I’ll probably never be in a healthy relationship again?

Tui Mitcham is my boyfriend because:

1. She gives zero shits.
2. She lives in the woods.
3. She carries a shotgun with her everywhere.
4. Her bone structure is very Keanu in Bill and Ted’s.
5. She hates the police.
6. The world has scorned her and now it’s her time to shine.
7. She doesn’t actually exist.