Ask Babe: Friends With Baggage

Hi Babe,

My very good looking girlfriend is always broke. She spends all her money on clothes, even when she owes me money! Therefore I am forced to hang out with my less good-looking friend who treats me well, but eats a bit too much and tries to make me feel bad about “not eating enough rice.” Do I just give up and find a rich and good-looking new friend? Or do I hang out with the financially responsible (albeit chubby) girlfriend?

 Love,

T****

 

Dear Chubby Chaser,

Wait, let me just say really quick, you should never bring someone you would even dream of referring to as “chubby” to an establishment that serves “rice.” Rice is the single most misunderstood food of all. Rice is a silent, passive-aggressive, and deadly carb that should be stopped. Just because something is Japanese does not make it healthy. Ok, now that that’s out of the way…

I say you keep both the over-eating, yet fiscally sensible friend and the psycho drug addict poor friend or whoever the other, skinnier one is. I’ve found that when you present yourself with multiple weight/personality options in the friend department, then you have more people to irrationally blame when you’re being a cunt (because you’re bored or on your period and bloated). Don’t go searching for new friends. That’s never the look.

Better yet, introduce them to eachother over a light salad lunch or force them to share a smoothie. Hopefully fat will learn from skinny, skinny will learn from fat, and all three of you can skip blissfully into your rice-less future.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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