Ask Babe: Money Money Money

Dear Babe,

So I am not a white girl but this is most certainly a white girl problem. I have been trying to “find” myself for a couple years and I have not been the most responsible with family money. My parents are now threatening to cut me off entirely. I tried to offer re-enrolling in school, but they are not having it. What should I do to keep in the parents good graces (and still enjoy gay brunch and beach time) without having to move back to Dallas and enroll in ITT Tech?

Air Kiss,

J****

 

Dear Future Community College Graduate,

Put down the coke spoon, turn down the house music, and listen to me. I’m sure you know this but, while Dallas features an amazing big-hair-and-shopping game, they also feature lots of wannabes trying to flex their acting muscles on terrible reality TV shows. Not even Bravo can save Dallas. NOT EVEN BRAVO!!!!! So unless you see yourself spending your time standing in line waiting to audition for My Big Fat Gay Texas, you need to get your shit together ASAP.

I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re home for the holidays. If you’re not, you truly don’t give a shit, because everyone knows that putting in quality face time is one of the keys to staying on the payroll. So if you’re not home, go home. Now. Then, organize a dinner for you and the parentals, preferably at a nice, quiet restaurant where they serve an amazing steak. While you’re planning it, stress to them that you’re so excited to see them, and that you have a lot of positive life changes to discuss with them, and that you think they’ll be really proud of you. Arrange the dinner so that you have to meet them there, then on your way to the steakhouse, get in a car accident. Nothing major–maybe try and break your wrist or get a black eye. If you can land yourself in the hospital overnight, that would be best. Your parents will be so scared of losing you that they’ll definitely put off any talks of cutting you off for at least a few more months, giving you just enough time to organize a foundation in your name, and empty your entire trust fund into it.

Then you need to get a job. I can’t really help you there.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Haczel

    Reminds me of the pilot episode of girls.