Ask Babe: Ex-Spriation

Dear Babe,

My ex is a total fat ass loser, but I can’t shake the thought of him. Help me Babe?

Love,

B***

Dear Boring,

I know it can be hard to move on from a guy who has left you and your ass in the dust. But a woman scorned is only a good look for about 72 hours.  Then it gets really old and no one, including me, wants to hear that “heartbroken” bullshit anymore. So I’m gonna do you a huge favor. I’m simply going to give you a few examples of what happens to guys after they leave us: They get fat, ugly, and their careers end abruptly.

Exhibit A: Vince Vaughn

 

Super Hot, Super Skinny. The guy in this picture is really going places. He has a huge movie career in front of him. But, after he split from Jen Aniston…..

He ended up looking like this.

Plus he is eating a fucking hot dog! The lowest of the low. So Dark.

Exhibit B: Kevin Something

 Granted he was always a complete perv, he was definitely fuckable when this photo was taken. But after the his divorce from Britney, things went down hill really fast for him.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Exhibit C: Chris Klein

The American Pie star used to be pretty damn sexy, if you ask me. Can’t you just imagine how tall his love child with Katie Holmes would have been? But that relationship never stood a chance, because L. Ron Hubbard had already written in “Dianetics” that the King (Tom Cruise) would procreate with the beautiful Ms. Holmes, and that Chris Klein would end up looking like this:

 So sad, but you can’t argue with pre-determined future.

The Prosecution rests your Honor. Case Closed.

Bottom line here is that your ex is most definitely going to end up sad, fat, or lonely without you. You’re probably the only girl that even gives a shit about him anymore, and that should make you feel better. SO…any time you’re sad about that present/future loser, just come back to this post and get some totally solid “ex-spiration”.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Raphi

    good advice babe!