Ask Babe: Going the Distance

Dear Babe,

Over the holidays I hooked up with a guy that I’ve known through mutual friends for a long time. The problem is, he lives in L.A. and I live in Las Vegas! We’ve exchanged a couple texts since, but nothing significant. I really liked hanging out with him so how do I spark his interest from 300 miles away?? Please help.

Thanks!

L******

 

Dear Elizabeth Berkley,

First of all, Vegas? Are you a prostitute with a heart of gold? If so, chic. If not, then I’m truly confused. But whatever, let’s do this.

Long distance relationships are essentially extended lessons in torture, but if you really want to try and go down that road, here’s my suggestion: You need to make your hook-up think that you are a busy girl leading a super glamorous life. Make him come to you (which might not be that hard, as it sounds like he’s the kind of DB that goes to Vegas for New Years Eve). So stop texting him. Literally, put the phone down, psycho. Now, you’re going to take a European Vacation. Don’t worry, you don’t have to go far. The good news is that you live in a location where you can fake your travels. So first, you need to announce on Facebook that you’re leaving the country in a week for an impromptu trip to Paris. “New Year, New ME!” Get everyone you know hyped up for your vacay. You’re soooooo excited, you can’t wait to see the Eiffel Tower, etc. Maybe get a girlfriend to say she’s going with you to make your plan more believable. When the time comes, you and your GF need to go off the radar completely. Do not answer your phone, emails, texts, sexts, etc. You’re out of the country. The phone is off. You are only allowed to upload Facebook pics of you in “Paris” aka the Paris Las Vegas. Your girlfriend is the photographer, your fabulous life is the subject. Try and make these pictures look as realistic as possible. Since you’re off the grid, you’ll have ample time to spruce them up in photoshop to make it look like you’re actually in France.

Now this is the MOST important part. In the middle of your trip, you will be “whisked away to Venice” (you’ll go to the Venetian) by a “mysterious lover” (you’ll hire a gigolo –I suggest Jimmy). The two of you will do a Venice-themed photo shoot which you will photoshop it accordingly. You’ll arrive back home two weeks later to thousands of text messages and calls, and hopefully your hook up will be one of them. Continue to take these little “Me” trips every couple months.

Or just move to LA.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Meetz04

    hahahajahaha.