Ask Babe: I’m Fucking Psycho

Dear Babe,

I have a boyfriend and I feel like I’m turning into my own version of Babette.  I’m not okay with this! How do I escape/embrace Babette?

Love,

B****

 

Dear Me,

There is no escape. Fighting her will only give her more control, and embracing her will make you think that posting a YouTube video of Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know” with the caption “Help me answer this question, five incher :)” on your boyfriend’s Facebook wall is totally acceptable behavior.

The truth is, everyone has a Babette inside them. The lucky ones have realized it’s not about embracing/escaping her, but instead implementing some life strategies to control her. Here are some things you can do to keep your personal Babette at bay when you feel an attack coming on:

1. Xanax – self explanatory

2. Take A Bath – No matter where you are or what you are doing, relaxing in the tub is always a good option for de-stressing, de-puffing and releasing that negative energy. Fun fact: Tom Ford takes 3-5 baths a day and has been with his boyfriend since 1986.

3. Re-route – Channeling Babette’s energy into someone who deserves to be victimized by her insanity is always a good move. Make a list of all your exes and call/text them instead of your bf.

4. Work Out – I’ve found that 3 hours on the elliptical followed by an hour in the dry sauna will loosen Babette’s grip significantly. This regime is best followed with a nap. She can’t get you while you’re sleeping.

5. Hire A Male Prostitute – Gigolos are great for taking out your agression. Hire a hooker that looks like your boyfriend and go as crazy on him as you want. Trust me, your bf might be pissed at first, but he’ll thank you down the line.

6. Get Slapped – One time I was in such a Babette frenzy that I blacked out. When I came to, I realized I was in the Miu Miu store on Rodeo drive, staring into the face of a terrified shop boy with the cutest little bun. He explained that I’d basically begged him to slap me to break me of Babette’s hold, and thank God he did because they had just put out the S/S 2012 bags in the store (when Babette shops, she’s a nightmare and doesn’t let me buy anything chic). I walked away that afternoon with a gorgeous, structured handbag instead of a tube top from Bebe.

These techniques have been so, so, so helpful for me. But definitely email me again if you discover new Babette control methods.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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