Ask Babe: Children Of The Cornrow

 Dear Babe,

I don’t know if I’m losing my mind or if I’m having a chic revelation, but I wanted to know if I should get cornrows for Coachella. I know. It’s sounds so un-chic and butch but think Bo Derek circa “10”. Is it sexy or just fucked up?

-L****

Strange Lady,

I don’t know if I’m losing my mind or if you actually just asked me if I would recommend getting your hair braided for Coachella. I just threw my entire plate of Splenda Bites at my dog. I meannnnn! I don’t know what to say to you. Is there hope? No clue.

The cornrows would be one thing, but at Coachella? Coachella is your time to shine! Without being shiny, of course. Is this an attempt to avoid greasy locks? Are you staying in a tent? Please tell me you’re not staying in a tent. Did you lose a fucking bet or something? What is this scenario? Something in my soul is telling me that I should love you because you’re so lost, but I can’t really hear my my soul’s tiny falsetto voice right now because it’s being drowned out by the terrible ringing in my head that your question has brought on.

ONCE, in the entire history of white people with heads, have cornrows EVER worked. You mentioned this singular occurrence in your email. Bo Derek is a goddess amongst regular women and while her braided look appears to be immitatable, it is not, it shall not, and will never be repeated.

I’m done.

GOODBYE.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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