Ask Babe: The Revenge Fuck

Babe,

I need your help with something you are amazing at: revenge. My (now ex) boyfriend and I had been dating for two years and the other day I caught him making out with one of my best girlfriends. When I confronted her, she hinted that they had been talking for a while and, after further investigation, I figured out that they had been talking and hooked up while he and I were dating. HELP! How do I make them pay in the best way?

C*******

 

Dear Heather Locklear,

We all know how hard it can be when you find out one of your best friends, one of the people you hold nearest and dearest, royally fucks you in the ass by giving your boyfriend a handjob in the back of your dad’s vintage Ferrari.

I’ve been that girl. I’ve actually been both those girls. There was a two month period during my junior year of high school where Gen and I were secretly hooking up with each other’s boyfriends. It was a really dark time for both of us, but we’ve moved on and I’m definitely a better person now because of the mistakes I made then. (Genevieve didn’t learn much from that experience).

I know that you feel alone and angry. But those feelings won’t get you anywhere. To truly right this horrible wrong, you need to clear your head, be über focused and calm and get your fucking shit together. The one key ingredient you’ll need to harness in order to manifest the divine retribution that will set things straight is: Your vagina.

You have a few options here and they won’t all fit your situation so pick whichever one makes the most sense for you.

1. The Brother Fucker: You can sleep with your ex-boyfriend’s brother, or you can sleep with your ex-best friend’s brother. Either one works beautifully but I always prefer the latter. Not sure why, but it digs soooooo deep for some reason.

2. The Ex’s Ex (hetero):  Nobody likes it when two of their ex’s get together. So go out, find your ex-bff’s last boyfriend and kiss him on the dick.

3. The Ex’s Ex (homo): If the above is in some way unappealing, go find an ex-girlfriend of your ex-boyfriend, get her drunk and hook-up with her.  Make sure to take tons of pix for this scenario so you can text them to your douchey ex-boyfriend and tell him that you’re so glad he cheated on you, because now you realize that “as a man” he was never really gonna do it for you. He will not be happy. Trust.

At the end of the day, people will fuck around and make mistakes. Just be glad that you can do the same.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.

PS- You should always have 7+ condoms in your bag when you are in a revenge fucking phase.

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