Ask Babe: Get Your Scent Together

Dear Babe,

My friend constantly smells like poo and never showers. She claims she does but her hair is always greasy and she smells like a cow. Please help! I don’t want to say it in a mean way because she is my best friend, and is very sensitive.

M*****

 

Mother Teresa of Smelly Girls,

I hope your stinky friend also reads my blog because the advice I’m about to give you is harsh and might be hard to swallow, let alone enact yourself.

You need to kill her. There is no excuse for wreckless body aroma.

Just kidding. In fact, you need to grant her the opposite of death, give her life. You obvi like this disgusting person, so I’m sure you can find it in your heart to do the right thing here, even if it’s hard. What you’ll need to do is text her and ask her to meet you somewhere public. I had to have this exact same conversation with my Serbian facialist, I chose the parking lot in front of Nobu Malibu for the talk. So, somewhere that feels safe and homey for you, wherever that may be. When you get there, immediately tell her that she looks cute. When she responds with “Thanks” or “Whatever” or “Really? I feel huge,” just smile and nod and before she can say anything just put one loving hand on her shoulder and whisper these five words across the silence: “But you smell like shit.”

She might cry and she very probably will slap you. This is normal. Keep smiling. Don’t let her know that this is hard for you too, have strength. It’s better to rip the band-aid off, trusties. Once she’s gotten her shit together, produce a list of “Helpful Ways To Be Less Sickening, In General” from your bag. Hand her the list. Make sure to include the best spas and salons in your area so that she can start to intervene on her nasty hair’s addiction to grease. Suggest a few Tom Ford fragrances and tell her to buy in bulk. I have a guy if you need help with that. Put a few of these Diptyque candles on the list too, for good measure. If she really wants to turn this boat around, her space (hoarders nest) is going to need an olfactory rejuvenation as well. Also, you must include a list of local plastic surgeons (and dentists) that perform Botox at a reasonable price. A few armpit injections can do WONDERS for abrasive stinkers. My friend Genevieve totally had to get it done a summers years ago. Whoops.

Most of all, assure your walking fart of a friend that she is still loved, and that you will be by her side as she walks, albeit slowly, towards redemption. The road to ultimate purity never ends. Tell her that. The road never ends.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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