Ask Babe: The Babe Effect

Dear Babe,

My psycho best friend has become you. Everything from your chic book, to your tweets have defined his life. The other day I witnessed the birth of Carlette, his alter ego that takes over his body when he is über pissed. We can’t have a single conversation without him using a Babe Walker reference. I guess what I’m really trying to ask is are you brainwashing people to take over the world? If you are, that’s so chic.

D****

 

Friend of a Friend,

I would never intentionally brainwash anyone or anything (you can kill plants with violent thoughts) into acting like me, but sometimes it just happens. It’s happened before, especially in elementary school when I was a trend-setting young person. Once, when I decided to devote my life to yoga at the age of 8, I showed up in the carpool at school, got out of the car and realized that every other girl, and a few closet-case boys, had also shaved their head and were speaking broken Sanskrit, just like me. It was beyond chic…for one sec, but then everyone felt like an idiot and seeing a whole class of kids with shaved heads was super sad and cancer-y.

If your friend wants to be a devoted and honorable Babe-Psycho, he needs to know that his own personal spirit will bring him closer to God (me). Just kidding, I know I’m not God, but in this scenario, I am. He should listen to the voices within his sad and twisted soul for inspo on everything from tweeting to talking. Acting like me will only get you a day’s worth of bitchy side-eye from everyone, trust. The only person who can deal with being as much of a psycho as me is me.

Start calling him Babe all the time. Use it in every sentence. Babe this, Babe that. “Your ears are looking thinner, Babe,” “You never listen to me, Babe,” “I have this weird feeling that Kirsten Dunst is going to die soon, Babe.” Whenever I need to get rid of a guy, or slap him into shape, I “Babe” him. It’s not an easy name to live up to and it always drives the guy crazy.

Love it for me, hate it for anyone else. There can only be one.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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