Oldspiration

Guess what? I’m fucking sick of people saying that it’s common knowledge that women tend to age less gracefully than men. In addition to being one of the rudest statements of all time, it’s also not even remotely true. Everyone ages. I’m sorry for that. I hate it as much as you do, if not more. Trust when I say that 90% of all my panic attacks are caused from letting my mind wander to the dark day (that is no doubt right around the corner) when I find a gray hair or wrinkle. May God have mercy on whoever is within arms length of me when that day comes, because there will be multiple slaps, silent screaming, and a meltdown that will end in me being 5150-ed for 72 hours. Chic, but also not chic. For all you ladies feeling frustrated/scared about your future looking like this:

There’s hope. Hot guys get fat, old, saggy and wrinkly too. Here are some pics to help remind you of that fact:

Al Pacino and Christopher Walken

Remember them? Here’s what they looked like in their prime:

And here’s what they look like now:

Scary.

Sean Connery

Sean is kind of an anomaly, because he was a fuckable older man for 8,000 years.

Until he wasn’t.

Vince Vaughn

There is no sadder tragedy than Vince’s journey from this:

To this:

Mickey Rourke

 Mickey was THE HOTTEST EVER in his younger years.

And then things went horribly wrong (is it weird that I’m still kind of into him?).

Val Kilmer

Remember him? Well I do, because he played Jim fucking Morrison.

And now he’s pregnant.

Haley Joel Osment

Haley was such a cutie pie with a bright future ahead of him.

And now…

Bye.

So look, if you’re a woman and you’re scared of getting old, don’t be. Just start a savings account/kickstarter for your 42nd birthday facelift, Google pictures of young Jack Nicholson vs. old Jack Nicholson, get a chemical peel, do a deep breathing visualization of yourself reverse-aging, and go to the gym. Now.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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