Dear Babe,
Where should I live?
C*******
Dear Hobo,
I once had a traumatic experience in the Anthropologie at The Grove involving Russell Brand. We didn’t interact whatsoever. It’s just that I saw him shopping there, and his jeans were way too tight, and he was wearing this heinous neon yellow sweater and when he leaned up against the counter to flirt with the checkout girl, I saw his actual ass crack. So you could say we actually did interact and it scarred me for life. I haven’t ventured into an Anthropologie since, as it’s clearly not a safe space. Clearly. The fact that you’ve sought me out to be your city guide made me think of myself as an anthropologist, which in turn made me think of that horrible day. Anyways! Here is a basic breakdown of U.S. cities worth your consideration:
New York: Think buildings, shopping, fashion, investment bankers, old money, Jay Z
LOVE: Lower Middle Class = 100K base salary, sample sales
HATE: People. Everywhere. Sweating. Artists in Brooklyn with no marriage timeline, and a male-dominated dating market.
LA: Think sunshine, beaches, movies, celebs, traffic, facials, shopping, Babe Walker, fame and fortune
LOVE: Marrying a director and becoming his muse.
HATE: Marrying a “producer,” or becoming a closeted actor’s beard
San Francisco: Think charming old hippies, tech money, vegans, free love, Full House
LOVE: Internet billionaires, and your ass will look amazing from walking up and down hills every day.
HATE: All the rich guys look like Mark Zuckerberg (eek. Never.) and all the hot rich guys are gay.
Chicago: Think “hot fat” pro athletes, Lake Michigan, chic boats, amazing summers, shitty winters, the musical Chicago, midwestern men
LOVE: Basically every guy being over 6’0″
HATE: Winter weight.
Miami: Think the American riviera, South Beach, art deco, Versace mansion, Atlantic ocean
LOVE: Fucking a foreigner in a cabana at NoBu, the Ritz’s beach situation, and speaking Spanish is a must.
HATE: Dealing with T-Pain and Pitbull wannabes, and speaking Spanish is a must. Also bath salt psychos who eat people’s faces off.
Dallas: Think oil money and big hair
LOVE: Marriage-minded cowboys
HATE: Where is Dallas??
Detroit: Never.
LOVE: ?
HATE: Detroit.
Austin: Mildly employed Abercrombie model-looking cowboys, musicians, hipsters
LOVE: Tan, beefy, sex toys
HATE: Sexy but broke college students. College in general. Beef, period.
Kansas City, Omaha, St. Louis, Dakota Cities, Florida (except Miami), The South, etc etc: WHO ?????? WHERE????
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