Ask Babe: Where Should I Live?

Dear Babe,

Where should I live?



Dear Hobo,

I once had a traumatic experience in the Anthropologie at The Grove involving Russell Brand. We didn’t interact whatsoever. It’s just that I saw him shopping there, and his jeans were way too tight, and he was wearing this heinous neon yellow sweater and when he leaned up against the counter to flirt with the checkout girl, I saw his actual ass crack. So you could say we actually did interact and it scarred me for life. I haven’t ventured into an Anthropologie since, as it’s clearly not a safe space. Clearly. The fact that you’ve sought me out to be your city guide made me think of myself as an anthropologist, which in turn made me think of that horrible day. Anyways! Here is a basic breakdown of U.S. cities worth your consideration:

New York:  Think buildings, shopping, fashion, investment bankers, old money, Jay Z

LOVE: Lower Middle Class = 100K base salary, sample sales

HATE: People. Everywhere. Sweating. Artists in Brooklyn with no marriage timeline, and a male-dominated dating market.


LA: Think sunshine, beaches, movies, celebs, traffic, facials, shopping, Babe Walker, fame and fortune

LOVE: Marrying a director and becoming his muse.

HATE: Marrying a “producer,” or becoming a closeted actor’s beard


San Francisco: Think charming old hippies, tech money, vegans, free love, Full House

LOVE: Internet billionaires, and your ass will look amazing from walking up and down hills every day.

HATE: All the rich guys look like Mark Zuckerberg (eek. Never.) and all the hot rich guys are gay.


Chicago: Think “hot fat” pro athletes, Lake Michigan, chic boats, amazing summers, shitty winters, the musical Chicago, midwestern men

LOVE: Basically every guy being over 6’0″

HATE: Winter weight.


Miami: Think the American riviera, South Beach, art deco, Versace mansion, Atlantic ocean

LOVE: Fucking a foreigner in a cabana at NoBu, the Ritz’s beach situation, and speaking Spanish is a must.

HATE: Dealing with T-Pain and Pitbull wannabes, and speaking Spanish is a must. Also bath salt psychos who eat people’s faces off.


Dallas: Think oil money and big hair

LOVE: Marriage-minded cowboys

HATE: Where is Dallas??


Detroit: Never.


HATE: Detroit.


Austin: Mildly employed Abercrombie model-looking cowboys, musicians, hipsters

LOVE: Tan, beefy, sex toys

HATE: Sexy but broke college students. College in general. Beef, period.


Kansas City, Omaha, St. Louis, Dakota Cities, Florida (except Miami), The South, etc etc: WHO ?????? WHERE????



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15 responses to “Ask Babe: Where Should I Live?”

  1. ASmoke Avatar

    Russell Brand is a special kind of trashy

  2. whatevs Avatar

    you mention multiple cities in TX but not Boston? um, ew…

  3. Aloo Avatar

    No love for DC? Obamas, political money, being earnest, gay bottoms, rich lawyers

  4. Clarisse Lehmann Avatar

    Uh- you left out Paris and London. We also exist you know in Europe!
    If you plan on crossing the atlantic here is some travel advice.

    1. Bobbi Avatar

      Read the last line before New York. “…U.S. cities worth considering.” Are Paris and London calling themselves part of the U.S. now? Like Puerto Ricans try to do?

  5. Rebecca Higgins Avatar

    I agree.  Boston > TX 

  6. Bshizzle11 Avatar

    Detroit: Motown, MotorCity, Eminem, Home of Electronic Music
    Love: Cars you won’t see anywhere else for the next four years, Midwestern men, easy access to Canada, great local music scene, affordable housing, no traffic, nice summers, summer concerts and music festivals, easy drive to the Great Lakes, revived Midtown and Downtown, Midwestern accent or lack thereof an accent.
    Hate: lack of people in the city, reputation of the city, lack of public transit (but that’s why we have cars).

  7. Mthommygirl Avatar

    Buffalo/Niagara Falls
    Love: ummmmmmmm
    Hate: how long do we have?

  8. Katie Kristine Avatar
    Katie Kristine

    Babe.  Detroit is actually fabulous.  I’m serious.  There are some hot New York artist types hiding out there that just pretend they don’t have money.  Trust me. 

    1. BabeWouldSay Avatar

      Pretending you dont have money is just as bad as not having money.

      Love you. Mean it.

  9. Laura Gleason Avatar
    Laura Gleason

    I hate anthropologie. It glorifies ugliness — Ugly people with liberal arts degrees. Moles. Glasses. Grandma fashion. Whoever made the executive decision to make that popular needs to be taken down. ASAP. 

  10. Bobbi Avatar

    Is Russell brand Tara Reid?

  11. Ohthat'sawkward... Avatar

    Detroit: Mexican Town, Motor City, Hockey Town, RenCen, and of course Canada is a step away (Toronto anyone?)

    Love: authentic mexican food, Riverwalk, great cars, Greek Town,
    Hate: Idiots who diss Detroit even though they’ve never stepped in the state of Michigan….

  12. Andreamhiller Avatar

    Loving the love for tx.

  13. Liza Avatar

    You and your saucy mouth would LOVE New Orleans-  music, food, 24 hour bars, and dumb Southern polite men.  

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