Diet Babe: Eating The Rainbow

I recently visited a “nutritionist” who said a lot of bullshit things to me. This is basically how our appointment went:

Nutritionist: Based on your eating habits, it’s my professional opinion that you’re suffering from an eating disor–

My phone rings. 

Me: Hold on one sec. (answers phone) Hi Dad. No, I’m not coming to lunch. Because I ate breakfast! It’s like you don’t even know who I am anymore. I have to go. There’s a super skinny lady staring at me. I think she wants to tell me something. (hangs up) Okay so sorry. Go on.

Nutritionist: You’re anorexic. And I’m telling you this because I hate you, I have crow’s feet and I’m actually the hangry anorexic one. Now prepare to be stabbed to death by one of my sharp little elbows.

Just kidding. She didn’t try to stab me. I don’t actually know what exactly came out of her mouth after the first “anorexic” because I promptly told her to lawyer up because I was going to sue her for defamation of character/projecting her emotions onto me. The raw nerve of some people! I ate half an avocado and looked at a muffin for breakfast today, so I’m pretty sure that makes me very not anorexic. Probably the opposite of anorexic, in fact. If anything, it certainly proves that I don’t have a “disorder” when it comes to “eating.”

This interaction got me thinking about my diet essentials. Ever since I fainted at an Alexander Wang sample sale last year, I adopted a diet technique I like to call “eating the rainbow.” Basically you just try and eat all the colors of the rainbow at every meal, every day, and AVOID ALL FOODS THAT ARE BROWN/WHITE. Except for Tea Soup. For example:

Breakfast: Fruit, Avocado, Water

Red: 2 Strawberries

Orange: 1/2 an Orange. Duh.

Yellow: 1 spoonful of fresh-squeezed lemon juice in an 8oz glass of water

Green: 1/4 an avocado, sliced

Blue: Handful of Blueberries

Violet: Fresh lavender (For sniffing after the meal. Totally settles the stomach.)

Lunch: Salad & Dessert

Green: Spinach

Yellow: Squeeze of lemon

Magenta: 2 Watermelon wedges

 Dinner: Sushi

Red: 2 pieces Red snapper sashimi

Salmon: 2 pieces Salmon sashimi

Yellow: 2 pieces yellowtail sashimi

Green: Seaweed salad

Violet: 2 pieces Octopus sashimi

Green: Green tea

Clear: a glass of ice cold sake

After Dinner: Drinks

Yellow: a glass of sauvignon blanc

Clear: 2 vodka sodas

Green: 2 lime wedges

Clear: 1 more vodka soda

Green: 1 more lime wedge

Champagne: 3 glasses of champagne

Blue: 1 Xanax

Then I go to sleep for 10-12 hours, because sleep is the most important element to a balanced diet.

 

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Alexi

    Love ya Babe!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1033620038 Jenise Spiteri

    The diets you post always make me feel like a horrible over-eater but this one surprised me. How can you eat so much in one day Babe?? I’m so concerned for you! Please don’t get fat!
    Get a new therapist, ASAP. Your current one must have made you convince yourself that you have no reason to take care of yourself any more.
    My Sunday prayers are for you this week.

  • Alec

    What happened to your Splenda bars? Those are white, calorie/fat/sugar/sodium free, and fucking delicious.