I recently visited a “nutritionist” who said a lot of bullshit things to me. This is basically how our appointment went:
Nutritionist: Based on your eating habits, it’s my professional opinion that you’re suffering from an eating disor–
My phone rings.
Me: Hold on one sec. (answers phone) Hi Dad. No, I’m not coming to lunch. Because I ate breakfast! It’s like you don’t even know who I am anymore. I have to go. There’s a super skinny lady staring at me. I think she wants to tell me something. (hangs up) Okay so sorry. Go on.
Nutritionist: You’re anorexic. And I’m telling you this because I hate you, I have crow’s feet and I’m actually the hangry anorexic one. Now prepare to be stabbed to death by one of my sharp little elbows.
Just kidding. She didn’t try to stab me. I don’t actually know what exactly came out of her mouth after the first “anorexic” because I promptly told her to lawyer up because I was going to sue her for defamation of character/projecting her emotions onto me. The raw nerve of some people! I ate half an avocado and looked at a muffin for breakfast today, so I’m pretty sure that makes me very not anorexic. Probably the opposite of anorexic, in fact. If anything, it certainly proves that I don’t have a “disorder” when it comes to “eating.”
This interaction got me thinking about my diet essentials. Ever since I fainted at an Alexander Wang sample sale last year, I adopted a diet technique I like to call “eating the rainbow.” Basically you just try and eat all the colors of the rainbow at every meal, every day, and AVOID ALL FOODS THAT ARE BROWN/WHITE. Except for Tea Soup. For example:
Breakfast: Fruit, Avocado, Water
Red: 2 Strawberries
Orange: 1/2 an Orange. Duh.
Yellow: 1 spoonful of fresh-squeezed lemon juice in an 8oz glass of water
Green: 1/4 an avocado, sliced
Blue: Handful of Blueberries
Violet: Fresh lavender (For sniffing after the meal. Totally settles the stomach.)
Lunch: Salad & Dessert
Yellow: Squeeze of lemon
Magenta: 2 Watermelon wedges
Red: 2 pieces Red snapper sashimi
Salmon: 2 pieces Salmon sashimi
Yellow: 2 pieces yellowtail sashimi
Green: Seaweed salad
Violet: 2 pieces Octopus sashimi
Green: Green tea
Clear: a glass of ice cold sake
After Dinner: Drinks
Yellow: a glass of sauvignon blanc
Clear: 2 vodka sodas
Green: 2 lime wedges
Clear: 1 more vodka soda
Green: 1 more lime wedge
Champagne: 3 glasses of champagne
Blue: 1 Xanax
Then I go to sleep for 10-12 hours, because sleep is the most important element to a balanced diet.