Dear Katie Cassandra Holmes,
I know Cassandra isn’t really your middle name. But it kind of works…am I wrong???
Hi. It’s Babe Walker. We met a few years ago at a party at the Chateau. I was with the girl that gave you a wet willy and then ran off laughing. Sorry, that wasn’t chic and I’m not friends with her anymore. Anyways, I know this is a hard time for you so I thought I’d offer my perspective. You probably think your life is over, I mean, I do. But there’s totally still hope that you could turn it all around and escape. You (and your weird child) could even move back to Ohio. Here are a few suggestions of what you can do with your painfully ample time:
1. Star in a series of inspirational videos called “How To Beat Out All The Other Girls And Land That Big Job.”
2. Move into a cave with your daughter and become her therapist.
3. Move into a cave with your daughter and train her to become your therapist.
4. Marry Chris Klein, like you were supposed to in the first place.
5. Change your name and become an acting teacher at a school for the blind. I feel like your celebrity could tarnish your integrity, so it’ll be best to keep your students in the dark.
6. Co-author a book with Nicole Kidman and call it Survival.
7. Try to re-marry Tom Cruise.
No matter what you end up doing, you’ll probably fail at first. But I feel like eventually, you’ll be Ok, I can feel it. Your soul’s vagina is going to give birth to a new you.