So I am considering contacting/stalking Ryan Gosling. He’s into art, and I’m a painter. He’s into feminism, and I’m writing a thesis on feminism. I think we’re soulmates. So I was considering a short and sweet “I’ll be in L.A. in August, lets fall in love.” But how…twitter? fan mail? Find his house and stand on his lawn with a megaphone? Please, this is urgent. I’m trusting you. I get back to the U.S. in two weeks and we need to take action.
Dear Eva Mendes,
Ryan Gosling is one of the most complex men in the modern world. He’s strong, but he’s also weak. He’s manly, but he’s fragile. Bottom line: you’re too controlling for him. Move on. Marry your highschool sweetheart. Marry your college roommate. Start a Luka Magnotta fan club and marry him. I don’t care. But Leave. Ryan. Alone. I’m saying this on his behalf/my behalf/the world’s behalf because I’m positive you will suck the hot right out of him. Trust me, your influence will only lead to more tank tops and backpacks. Just do what everyone else is doing, watch Drive 1,000 times and get over it.
Wherever you are, I suggest you stay there.