An Open Letter to Madonna, Desginer

Dear Madge,

I know people get old. You’re doing it badly, but everyone has to. Honestly, by the time I was born, you were already old (or your act was, at least). What I’m saying is that this isn’t coming from a place of ageism. Or even from a place of lingering resentment over you and Gwyneth breaking up. No, I’m saying this from a place of deep integrity.

Your Truth or Dare shoe line almost makes Holmes and Yang look chic.

Maybe this is because I went to so many colleges and heard it so many times, maybe it’s because I’m just inherently original, but I consider plagiarism a serious offense. There’s no pride in copying what someone else has already done AND claiming you did it first. Just do something new first! Or, if you don’t have a single creative bone in your body, find a genius and become their muse for a little while.

When I saw these shoes, I immediately thought “Why am I looking at a Payless collection by one of the Project Runway finalists?” Then I realized the truth. This is nothing more than a shallow, paltry imitation of fetish gear and other, better designer shoes.

Actual fetish shoes freak the shit out of me, but are undeniably ORIGINAL:

It’s like a serial killer sewed together a ballerina and a prostitute and I’ve already bought ten pairs. Compare that to your collection?

Snore. Snore. Snore.

The problem is that all three of these styles were already done by Christian Louboutin, and he did them perfectly. For fuck’s sake, you can get away with wearing ONLY Louboutins and look dressed:

There’s a reason we all have 45 pairs of Louboutins in our closets. There’s no replacing the real thing.

I’m just saying the results of this collection should tell you to say goodbye to fashion design. Buy a new island. Get all the skin on your hands replaced. Stay away from the Golden Globes. Get a(n even) younger boyfriend. Hopefully we can all move past this.

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