An Open Letter to Blake Lively’s Ex

Dear Leo,

Everyone has a particularly nighmarish ex-girlfriend. Looks like you’ve found yours.

Do you remember last year? Let me remind you – you got drawn into a relationship with a much younger, taller, and manlier woman. You took her to Italy and smiled in her presence. I know you pretty well and I could tell you were getting comfortable with her. Then you two split and you got into a funk and delayed the “Great Gatsby” release date by six months.

I don’t know why anyone would prefer dopey Canadian Ryan Reynolds over you, but that’s what makes this girl so sly – no one can understand her. She wore a Marchesa wedding dress. Was the ceremony in an ice skating rink? Did she want everyone in the wedding party to see her lower back tan lines? Was she a Disney Channel starlet performing at the VMAs? No. This is a person who has been on the cover of American Vogue. She did an ad campaign for Chanel!

That’s my very point – someone like this both has no idea when to hold onto a good thing and a penchant for getting what she wants. Remember, the best revenge is looking good. Keep the weight off of your face.

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