Ask Babe: Best Friends For Never

Dear Babe,

I have a huge problem and I feel like only you could help me because you and Gen’s relationship gives me hope. My best friend is being a royal bitch lately and it is getting to the point that I can’t stand to be around her. All she talks about is her ex and how she isn’t over him and it makes me want to barf. I miss when she was crazy and fun. What should I do? Please help or I might stress eat.

Xoxo,

M*******

 

Courtney Cox,

There comes a time in every girl’s life where she has to take a “Friend Break” from someone in her inner circle. This usually plays out in the following 8 steps:

Step 1: Things become tense. You start to loathe every word that comes out of your friend’s mouth. You ask yourself why she’s STILL talking about her ex even though they’ve been broken up for seven years and she’s engaged to someone else who gave her a huge (but really ugly) ring.

Step 2: You and your BFF go out to dinner at Nobu with a group of friends. She makes a comment about how “Brad loved sashimi.” You finally snap and tell her to shut up. A massive argument ensues, and your friends are immediately forced to take sides.

Step 3: Text fight. She asks you why you can’t just support her. You call her obsessive.

Step 4: Text fight. You argue about who “loves love” more. Obviously you do.

Step 5: Text fight. She calls your haircut in the 90’s dykey. You respond with “at least I haven’t had to get three nose jobs to de-puff my face.”

Step 6: After a week of text fighting, you finally talk and decide to take a Friend Break.

Step 7: You talk shit about her to everyone you know about how crazy she is. After a month, no one will listen to you anymore.

Step 8: One night you get kind of drunk, realize you miss her and call her out of the blue. You guys make up and you agree to be the Maid Of Honor at her upcoming wedding. Then you both make fun of her fiancé’s hair.

The whole thing will probably last a month. 90 days tops. A year if you’re both psycho.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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