An Open Letter To The Oscar Attendees: Part 1

Dear Psycho Actresses and Meryl Streep,

Ever since my shaman, Steve and I got freaked out by everyone’s Golden Globes looks, all I can think about is what you guys are going to wear to this year’s Oscars. I’m over you playing it safe. 2013 needs a Björk, or a Celine Dion or a Cher to spice things up on the red carpet. Ugh, I’m sensing a theme here. Stop making singers take all the fashion risks while you wear your boring, Zac Posen whatevers. Also stop wearing Zac Posen.

Paris Couture Week is taking place, which means I’ve been crying because I’m not in Paris, binge juicing because I’m not in Paris, and browsing through all the collections online. I’ve also been looking back through all the S/S ’13 collections as well, because I like to be totally comprehensive, and I’ve come up with some great options for you guys. Think of this as a sartorial vision quest led by yours truly.

No one could go wrong in one of these Dior Haute Couture by Raf Simons creations:

Actually a yellow moment could be major. Take for example this Alexis Mabille Couture look:

It’s not for everyone. If you’re not into belts (but into yellow) then this Gucci dress is begging to be seen:

Even though red on the red carpet is over, I wouldn’t slap anyone for showing up in this Valentino Couture frock:

Or this Marchesa dress:

Better yet, forgo the all-red idea in favor of this incredible Armani Privé Couture dress (side note: Is Giorgio okay? This dress was the moon and the stars, but the rest of the collection seemed like a thinly-veiled cry for help…right?)

I’m going to speak on behalf of fashion when I say that mermaid dresses are offensive in every way, and that we can all thank Sofia Vergara for running the mermaid silhouette/sweetheart neckline into their respective graves. In lieu of a mermaid dress, I request that you channel Daryl Hannah from Splash! and dress like an actual creature of the sea, care of Alberta Ferretti:

However, there’s always one exception to the rules, and that is this Dior Haute Couture dress:

Which brings me to another thought: Why not take a page out of the Gwyneth Paltrow Playbook and wear white? Emilio Pucci is serving up major realness that only a truly brave soul could pull off:

And for the less brave, but still white-minded, Gucci delivers:

And for those who want to be less glam and more ghostly, you could always opt for Valentino Couture nightgown-chic.

Or Chanel Haute Couture nightgown-chic.

Or Chanel Haute Couture nightmare-chic:

Or you could just be GP 2.0 in this Valentino Couture gown that’s wanting to be her Tom Ford dress from last year but isn’t:

Speaking of Tom Ford, why not take your tits to the Oscars:

And your soul to the Vanity Fair afterparty:

I feature a tits out moment. I also feature ethnic embellishments, so let’s take this Marchesa dress into consideration:

And also this Gucci. (Again with Gucci, I know, but Frida Giannini just gets me.)

I would die to see a next-level psycho in one of these Jean Paul Gaultier creations:

But that will probably never happen. However, anyone could have a more subdued, yet nautical, stripe-y vibe in this Chanel Haute Couture gown:

Which brings me to graphic dresses. I’m feeling them. It takes a special kind of bitch to go there, and I’d love to see someone attempt to pull one of these Chanel Haute Couture numbers off:

Or even this Valentino Couture:

I’d also love to see someone have a really tacky moment in Atelier Versace.

Or a less tacky (but still unclear) moment:

But most of all I just need to see someone wear this Valentino Couture dress, for my nerves:

Please don’t let me down.

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