Dear Babe,
I’m afraid I’ve become the dud of my friend group? What should I do?
-J****
Snoozefest,
Sorry you’re becoming a dud, I really am. I’d normally tell you to analyze your life, find the causes for your dudness, and address them accordingly, but I don’t have time right now to get into all of that. I have a massage in 4 hours and I need to nap now so I don’t fall asleep during it.
Try one of these:
– Dye your hair blue or purple, you’ll look ten pounds heavier but you’ll get a lot of attention.
– Vomit in public.
– If you have a boyfriend, break up with him and make everyone’s life about your grieving.
– Just kidding, don’t vomit in public.
– And don’t dye your hair purple. Try orange.
– Nipple rings, tattoos, scarifications…
– Watch ‘The Hunger’ and convert your look/personality to that of Catherine Deneuve’s character. Become a vampire.
– Pick up a hard drug habit, go to rehab. When you get back, tell everyone you were just joking, you’re not really an addict, it’s gonna be fine.
– Is an illegitimate child an option?