Ask Babe: Shut Up To Feel Better

Dear Babe,

So I broke up with my live in boyfriend of a year over fb messages I found on his phone to an old hook up, who by the way looks like a man, telling her how great she looks recently. To say the least I was devastated. Body image issues galore and sadness because the sex was out of this world. Moving on has been hard, tried to hook up with a guy I used to work with and he couldn’t get it up. I’m in need of some serious help to get over this shit.

Much love and respect.



Brandi Glanville,

Everyone’s going to tell you that time is the only medicine for a broken heart, and you know what? They’re right. But they’re also so wrong. There are several ways around love-themed anguish. A few suggestions for a speedy recovery:

Slutting: You had the right idea in sleeping with your ex-coworker but the wrong idea in sleeping with someone whom you already know. Being a slut will only work if it’s with new, scary guys. Moving on is all about newness and the future. So give it up as much as you want but make sure that the dudes are strangers. Carry a small knife too, maybe?

Thinning: Live at the gym. Nothing helps me get over someone faster than getting reallllly into myself. Turn your body into the temple that you’ve always dreamt of. Cut all whites and browns from your diet, hire a personal juice-guide and devote your life to your body. Date your body. Fuck your body. Love your body.

Sleeping: This always works too. If you’re like me, and you can afford to literally die (fall off the face of the planet) for a month or two without having to answer to a boss or someone like that, then invest in one of these duvets and sleep for weeks. When you wake up you’ll be equally as depressed but two months closer to not hating everything anymore. It’s like deleting those first few terrible months of a breakup.

Good luck, psycho. I’m sorry your life sucks, you seem cool.

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