I’d consider myself a pothead but I would not consider myself an asshole, there’s a difference. My dilemma is that I’m always looking for new ways to be stoned in public without looking like an idiot in public. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
Take last week, when I almost got arrested for holding a marijuana cigarette on the street. I was in NYC for my lesbian mom’s birthday dinner at Má Pêche, trying to have fun, trying not to think about how freezing New York still is, standing outside the restaurant lighting up a joint with some new friends I made, one of whom was a little person in Burberry Kids. Not clear if she was an actual kid or just small. As I pulled my first drag and started to finally relax for the first time all day, I felt a tug on the bottom of my Jil Sander dress. I looked down to see Cat, the midget pointing at some cops walking towards us. Oh really fucking great. I promised my dad and my therapist that I wouldn’t get arrested in 2013. So much for that, I thought….
I shoved the joint into Cat’s little hand and started walking briskly back towards the door to the restaurant. Cat obviously couldn’t get away fast enough so she ended up taking one for the team and spent the evening in jail. I’m really sorry for how things went down, Cat. Mean it. Text me if they’ve set you free yet.
The next morning I resolved not to be caught dead smoking a joint in public again. Not only does it look sloppy but it’s liable to get you spotted by roaming pigs with nothing better to do with their time than arrest innocent dwarves in designer boots. I contacted a few of my most pot-heady friends…Snoop Lion, Lady Gaga’s sister, my maid, etc. They all said the same thing: invest in a handheld vaporizer. A what? How had I not heard of this wonder-toy? I immediately ordered this weird tampon-from-the-future looking object called The Ploom Pax, in black, obviously.
I’m happy to report that it has literally changed everything for me. So easy to use, so easy to throw in and out of your bag, and relatively beautiful to look at, especially while high. I strongly advise anyone who enjoys a little smoke-break now and then to pick up this Pax thing, for your nerves.
Happy 4.20, psychos.