Ask Babe: My Boyfriend Is A Dick


My boyfriend treats me like shit. I cry all the time. My mom says I am giving myself to Walmart while my Barneys is waiting. What should I do?


Dear Rihanna,

Some general thoughts on the subject of significant others.

1. Having a boyfriend is kind of like having a Givenchy crocodile clutch. They come in lots of different colors and are easily interchangeable.

2. It doesn’t matter how big his dick is, what’s most important is that he makes you feel like Lindsay Lohan in a bathtub full of Grey Goose (really really happy and really really dirty all at the same time).

3. As a general rule, if you find yourself telling people that your boyfriend “treats you like shit”, it’s probably time to move on.

4.  Remember, if you’re crying over a guy you’re losing water weight, which means losing real weight, which means you’re skinny (I think).

4. Please never use the word “Walmart” in a message to me again.

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