So some rando Internet person attempted to go into the wilderness of acceptable eating guided only by Gwyneth’s new book and found it to be a successful and enlightening experience. As a seasoned dieter, juicer, cleanser, and person, this inspired me to compile a list of helpful tips to any other people looking to change their food lives forever.
1. No carbs. No gluten. No eggplant. All equally important to avoid.
3. A good diet can help your hair retain moisture and shine, but bleach and straighten the shit out of it to avoid alienating the unenlightened.
4. Clear alcohols only.
5. Smoke no more than one cigarette a day for health, no less than one a week to maintain your sense of fun and adventure.
6. Rewatch “Sliding Doors.” It will boost your metabolism.
7. Eating better will save your marriage.
8. While on the GOOP diet, no need for a bra or a Brazilian.
9. Ice is your new favorite dessert. Actually, it’s probably best to cut out dessert.
10. The Tracy Anderson Method works, but it will also ruin your friendships and maybe steal your money? I recommend a private yoga instructor instead.