Dear YRH,
Look, you’re doing the right thing by disappearing to a rando cottage. I have to say, I’m getting a little little liiiiiiiiiiiiittle tired of you already, and you’re what, five minutes old? So stay in for a while, learn how to read, and when you’re ready to make your re-entrance into the world, I have a few pieces of advice for you.
Do become besties with Penelope Cruz/Javiar Bardem’s daughter. You’re birthday twins, and she’s already paid you a major favor by not stealing the spotlight away from you. I find this a much cuter/chicer pairing than one with a certain N.W. (Sorry, North, but sending a stunt double to your first talk show appearance reeks of desperation.)
Don’t pressure Blue Ivy into friendship. She’ll come to you, as every true star needs at least one literal royal in their entourage. That’s right – you will be in her entourage. Not the other way around. Accept that, it’s worth it.
Do remember that balding genes come from your mother’s side, so you should be fine.
Don’t even with Pippa. Family functions only.