Dear Babe,

I’m in the throws of final exams right now, and I just can’t stop thinking about punctuating my studying with fatty food. It really sucks because, until now, I’d been eating so healthy and running 5 miles like everyday.

WTF/help!

Y****

Dear Kirsti Alley,

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but don’t get fat.

It’s super important that you address this issue before it addresses you/gives you cellulite. Summer is upon us and if you want to look good in that Lanvin bikini you need to be really careful at this particular juncture. That being said, if there’s one thing we should all learn from the atrocity that is Lindsay Lohan’s existence  it’s that denying your inner needs for too long will ultimately just turn you into a seventy year old chain smoker with major sun damage and a coke problem.

So bottom line is it’s okay to indulge every once in a while/year, so long as you’re doing it in a responsible way. Make sure that if you’re splurging, you’re splurging on the right things.

Below is a quick list of some acceptable options:

Organic green juices

Half a lemon

Clear alcohols

Two (or less) sprouted almonds

Splenda water (Splenda + Water)

Raw Baby Kale

Fucking

So some rando Internet person attempted to go into the wilderness of acceptable eating guided only by Gwyneth’s new book and found it to be a successful and enlightening experience.  As a seasoned dieter, juicer, cleanser, and person, this inspired me to compile a list of helpful tips to any other people looking to change their food lives forever. 

1.  No carbs.  No gluten. No eggplant.  All equally important to avoid.

2. Kale.

3. A good diet can help your hair retain moisture and shine, but bleach and straighten the shit out of it to avoid alienating the unenlightened.

4. Clear alcohols only.

5. Smoke no more than one cigarette a day for health, no less than one a week to maintain your sense of fun and adventure.

6. Rewatch “Sliding Doors.”  It will boost your metabolism.

7.  Eating better will save your marriage.

8. While on the GOOP diet, no need for a bra or a Brazilian.

9. Ice is your new favorite dessert.  Actually, it’s probably best to cut out dessert.

10. The Tracy Anderson Method works, but it will also ruin your friendships and maybe steal your money?  I recommend a private yoga instructor instead.

Dear Babe,

I’m considering a career in rapping. Chic or not chic?

xx

A*****

Tan Mom,

Not chic. BUT…let’s think about this for a sec.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but there’s never really been a chic rapper. Rapping, by nature isn’t so chic. This doesn’t mean it’s not worth my attention, but chic is never the word I would use to describe hip-hop culture. Kanye tries to be chic, Jay-Z also tries, and lord know this bitch is trying to do something, but I don’t think that rapping is about being chic, nor should it be.

This weekend, I was in DC for a day because my friend throws this music festival down there every year and he wanted me to come to make it cooler so I obliged. While shoulder-dancing to Kendrick Lamar’s performance, I wondered whether or not I would consider him to be chic. Then I tried to put myself in his position. Could I be a rapper? Should I be a rapper? I tried to imagine my hip hop looks, my earring story, my sneaker game. What does ‘Babe Walker, Rapstress’ look like? She’s not chic, I’ll tell you that much. But is she still kind of amazing?

Then I hit the blunt that was being passed around my group of friends. Black out.