When I Was In Japan Last Month….

So I was away last month at a secret mountain resort which is nestled in the foothills surrounding Kyoto, Japan. I was being true to myself, being silent, being present, being thin, being BABE. After I felt refocused enough to emerge from my Zen nest, I stopped for a few days in Tokyo for some well deserved shopping and a tea binge.

Side note: Have you ever binged on green tea? It’s fucking MAY-HAY-JOR. Like it’s better than being on Molly at Coachella. You just drink green tea all day long on an empty stomach, and you feel like a trillion bucks.

Anyway, I was having my fun “Lost in Translation” moment in Tokyo, minus Bill Murray, when my wave of ‘life-love’ came to a crashing halt. I was flipping through the channels on the hotel TV when I came across this advertisement. It sadly reminded me about how sad humanity is at times.

What the fuck is that fucking thing? I’m all for a tight face, but this is not OK. So that’s when I decided to return to LA and begin leading people back toward the right path again. I’m fixed. The world needs me. I’m really back now.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Accessories, Babe, Exercise, I Am Beauty, I Am Culture | 3 Comments

Literally though, everyone hates you right now. #whitegirlproblems

Ask Babe: Um. Hi? Me? You?

Dear Babe,

You’re a dumb fucking cunt. Read a book. I thought you’d be skinny n’ pretty but you’re ugly n’ fat w tiny beady eyes n’ a pig nose. Get some work done if you’re so rich. Fat cunt.

-J***

Dear Fucking People Everywhere,

As you all know, and as I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus for the past few weeks because a very important person came back into my life and I had no choice but to devote all of my time, compassion, and love to them.

This person’s name is Babe Walker.

Over the past few years, life has been hectic. Chic and very dramatic, but hectic. I mean, I wrote two fucking books about it and I’ll probably be writing more. Just saying. So I needed to reintroduce myself to myself, let me take me out, and give Babe a moment with Babe. You understand. But in this general intermission of creativity, I’ve been getting hate mail like the above, and I’ve been getting it in large amounts. I think people are confused by my absence and they’ve been taking it out on me in an angry tone. I understand.

So, why don’t I just let you in on a few of the things I’ve been up to this summer and the two of us can start to rebuild this fucking bridge, or whatever. I’ve been really busy:

+Not eating yellow foods.

+Learning to drive stick-shift.

+Learning to drive stick-shift drunk/high/drunk and high.

+Hiking with my shaman, Steve, in Montana with his mom who’s golden retriever is dying of cancer. The sheer non-glamour of all of that literally changed the way I see the world. Highly recommend

+Not eating purple foods.

+Watching Leo play with water guns.

+Crying about Leo’s weight while looking at pictures of him playing with water guns on Instagram.

+Taking Japanese cooking classes. In Spain.

+Trying to unlearn how to read. My therapist says that this can be helpful for bulimics (which I guess I am again?).

+Shopping, obviously.

 

Okayyyyyyy, psychos? And how are you??

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Ask Babe, Babe, Therapy, Writing | 6 Comments

I still can't wrap my mind around cocktails being fattening. #whitegirlproblems